note: the post below was originally posted by mars on the now-defunct jupitersdaughterllc.com on august 28, 2019. nothing has been edited in the transference of this post and some information may be outdated.
one week ago, i was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. this didn’t come as a surprise; i actively sought out an evaluation that took over 14 hours in total to complete and waited more than two months after my initial interview to receive the results. i only wish it was that simple of a process or that it had started sooner. general content warning: mentions of rape/smoking/alcohol/let me know if i need more specifics please!
my name is marissa and i am 24 years old. since i was 10, i’ve been the classic case of mental illness’s revolving door: receive treatment, get better (or worse), stop treatment, get better (or worse), receive treatment, get better (or worse), stop treatment, you get the point. i’ve had four formal diagnoses, two allusions to another disorder, nine medications that do not work, and hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt because i did not receive accommodations for what i was diagnosed with. that’s not what this is about, just hoping to paint an honest depiction of the desperation i experienced in my quest for the truth. at least i learned about the hero’s journey in the meantime.
i guess i get my point across with data. numbers are necessary messengers that i understand on some level and hope to grow more intimate with. i don’t want to appeal to emotions, because they can be manipulated by those who don’t hold the best intentions, and the power of suggestion is something i don’t fully understand but want nothing to do with. i want to speak the truth, with facts. even if i have the best intentions, i’m aware of possible unforeseen consequences, and that’s a limitation i feel. i can get stuck in a loop where there’s no telling how long i’ll be on the ride, just guaranteed the nausea and headache from swirling around so much. at least thinking and remaining logically made sense when you’ve learned to be avoidant of your own emotions because they were always “too much.” i know emotions are good and they deserve to be felt, and i’m glad i’ve gotten to the point where i allow myself to feel them and receive whatever messages i may be missing otherwise.
once i had a professor who told me i wrote as if i was in a manic episode. that the ideas were there, but the connections were jumbled, and there is so much to say that it was kind of vomited onto the page in the screen. it was supposed to be in understanding, as she’s been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and at the time i believed i had bipolar ii (which was then diagnosed as borderline personality, and now we’re here), but the description of my writing is reflective of the inside. and even with writing deemed what i won’t refer to because it shouldn’t be called that, there was so much censorship going into it that it had to be dealt with all at once or not at all. that’s how i had to tackle school assignments when i would do them: with all my might at the last possible second because then there would be no excuse for me to not hand it in. anxiety filled the rest of my time, along with chainsmoking cigarettes as a meditative practice as to not constantly lose my shit, which was, funnily enough, constantly lost.
college seemed like the right choice at first but quickly became incredibly daunting and the beginning of my rock bottom. halfway through my first semester as a freshman living with three other people in a dorm as big as the living room in my current apartment, i was researching schools for taxidermy. sometimes, i still wonder what it would be like if i had taken that chance. living in upstate new york didn’t seem so bad, i didn’t have a problem being away from my family or people whose company i enjoy, and home was only 6 hours away. but i started thinking about the smell, and how i get headaches when there’s a scent that doesn’t agree with my olfactory bulb, and decided the psychology degree i started eight weeks prior is the end-all-be-all. spoiler alert: i switched majors from psychology to business management and innovation when i was a few courses short of a bachelor’s because i realized i didn’t hear of any psychologists having borderline personality disorder. this was after i had taken a semester off from school to go through an intensive outpatient program so i could be better prepared to return to school and complete my coursework.
while i attended school full-time, i was also working full-time in retail. this ended up burning me out before i even knew i had ptsd from not realizing i had been raped by people i called friends of mine. i was either blackout drunk or coerced. it wasn’t until college that i realized my teenage romantic relationships or flings consisted of the same thing: blackouts or coercion. a lot of the way i behaved was because i thought i had to, or that’s what i was under the impression a good girlfriend would do, or was told if i cared i would want them to feel good too. at work, my reports were falsified as a manager stole from the store, employees were fired for workplace violence or sexual harassment, and i always tried to have two packs of cigarettes on me because when i needed a break, i needed one. i mentioned before that smoking was a meditative practice, and it was probably the only thing i considered sacred aside from the ocean from 2013 to 2017. i didn’t know how to meditate otherwise, learning how to do so in the outpatient program i attended which i then stopped practicing because i read something about how it could be more harmful for people who dissociate.
ironically enough, smoking was the only time i could catch my breath. those moments were the only ones i would breathe as deep as a human normally should. i liked the feeling of the smoke in my body but i always needed a drink to accompany it. countless hours were spent sitting in my car or on a bench at the smoking gazebo on campus, lighting one cigarette after the other. staring as the smoke danced around me, keeping me safe within it. telling myself by the end of the cigarette, i would get up and do what i said i would, but probably wouldn’t. i’d end up lighting another one, texting a friend in attempt to de-stress, or planning when i would eat because i never ate in college because i felt like a burden to who i was living with. i always felt like i was going to be scrutinized, that i was too much to handle, that i was going to be kicked out of wherever i was, that i truly did not belong. nothing felt welcoming even when i tried finding my place. even when i accepted reality for what it was in attempt to feel better and deal with life.
how was i so badly dealing with life when i had been told i was smart and i could do something meaningful with it? i know all twenty-somethings struggle with their role, some people never find what give them meaning, but i did! i’ve always known i had a specific part to play, to be what i’ve always been. i just didn’t know that what i always was, was autistic. i don’t know how i and everybody else missed it. i learned about autism various times throughout my psych education and never applied it to myself because it wasn’t shown as different within afab people. but with how absolutely hateful i was towards myself when i was younger, i see how i masked it. i never wanted anyone to think i was struggling because i was so acutely aware of how i negatively impacted a person or situation and felt incredibly guilty for making someone else’s life more difficult. i’ve since learned that other people are not victims of my autism and to stay away from anyone who acts like they have the right to be upset at my existence.
people always told me they love the way my mind works, or hearing my perspective, and that’s something i didn’t understand before either. apparently it’s a lack of concern for the material world, but then that itself is concerning because we’re in physical bodies this lifetime and that was never my strong suit. when i had my first reiki attunement, my reiki master said i was amazing with the spiritual and divine side of things, but “real world” factors like working a matrix job and taking care of myself were difficult. when i was a psych major, i wrote a paper on the curious incident of the dog in the night-time by mark haddon and what it would be like on planet asperger’s (the instructor’s prompt, not mine) without realizing i had described people like myself. i’ve made jokes about feeling invisible before, but did i lack the self-awareness to see myself with clarity? or did i see myself so clearly without a lens to fog up what other people understand of me?
there are signs we leave ourselves along the way to understand and remember who we are, wholly. learning i’m autistic is crucial to that. it explains so many things i didn’t have the answers for that didn’t make sense before i started learning about it. i spent some time in the akashic records after my diagnosis, understanding that this was a key to moving forward but i need to shed the old identities. i never want to be put in a box again, whether it’s imposed by others or myself. after 14 years of actively wondering what was different with me, i know the truth. i know myself better than ever and i love myself. i know i deserve love, to be at peace with myself and my life, to be confident in what i’m doing and continue to pursue. and finally, i know it’s all possible and within my reality of truth.
looking back, all of the signs were there, whether i want to admit it or not. and while i view autism as a positive, beneficial thing to have and experience, it’s still difficult for me to process. there are so many times i wish i could take back or revisit and scream and fight back where i froze. things i wish i could get across to other people in the past, but that’s the point of finding the truth and allowing the shedding to occur. to accept myself fully, and reject all other falsehood. i’m happy with who’s in my life now, but it’ll be hard to make friends in the future with all things considered. i want to focus on my work now that i have healthy relationships and my basic needs are met. whether that work is through reiki sessions, tarot readings, art, patreon group healings, or other things that are in the finishing stages, it’s what i’m happy and grateful to offer.
i never expected most of the things to happen in my life. i thought i would have a master’s degree by now, or working my way through a dissertation. i thought i would still be in the northeastern corner of the country. i thought paranormal or supernatural things would stay a special interest rather than become my line of work. i thought i would have more friends. i thought i knew people’s true intentions when i saw their potential. i thought i was unlovable and incapable of loving myself. i always welcome being corrected, inviting in the awareness without attaching shame for lack of knowing, or trying not to, at least. and where i’ve been wrong, i am completely happy to be wrong. soon enough you realize that’s all based in fear anyway and you let it go and it feels nice to watch it dissipate and cool we transmuted energy. and when you realize you’ve been transmuting energy your whole life, the rest makes sense if you decide to believe it.
regarding the expectations, most think i have control issues. which i do, but not to maliciously manipulate situations to my liking while making everybody else suffer. the things i can control which would make my existence easier, are things i would like to control because i feel entirely too much as a highly sensitive, autistic person. and when i talk about these things, i’m referring to work conditions, executive functioning, and stress levels in public versus at home. for example, my ideal work environment is in my home, over the internet and behind the scenes, with minimal verbal communication — i can get things across much better when i take the time to reflect on the vocabulary and phrasing, rather than speaking on the spot where i would end up stammering or stuttering my way through a channeled message. even when i have the energy to make youtube videos, a lot of the nerves are because of my voice and speech. i don’t want to shut myself off from those who could benefit from hearing my voice as i understand some people may prefer to receive readings that way and i plan to keep offering them for now. i also understand some might not trust written readings, which is why i have public readings offered via video and written in twitter threads or instagram captions. if you want to work with me and my team, i want you to be as comfortable as we are going into it. i don’t want to convince you to work with me, but hopefully this sheds some light on the process and i’ll be clearer with boundaries as i figure out what works best for me as i honor my truth.
i’m not sure if this has an overall negative tone, so i want to attach some good things to it. as i’m aware of my limitations, i know my strengths just as well. more data: my top five strengths as tested by the strengthsfinder 2.0 for some business class are empathy, relator, maximizer, input, and activator. translation: i see things clearly, working closely with another to achieve a common goal while focusing on mutual strengths to promote growth and determine the best course of action regarding said goal. part of my path is to teach others, whether it is through leading by example or educational courses i develop. i have a big heart that remains rooted in love that took a lot of hard work return to that level. when i set my mind to something, i see it through, but allow myself the room to change my mind if it’s ever too much to handle. i’ve gotten better at communicating effectively and recognizing my emotions and the natural messages of my bodies. i’m in a beautiful union with an incredible partner who sees me fully and we love the life we share together. i have an emotional support animal, a little chiweenie named betty, who i’d practice reiki on if i wasn’t practicing on myself or friends. i’m learning to open up, to leave myself uncensored, to be as free as i truly feel knowing my truth. i’m learning to step into my power, to leave behind past judgment, that life is a continual dance of death. there are so many things i would love to share and i finally have the green light to follow through.
upon researching a spiritual connection in autism, i found comfort in knowing others feel like they’re always at least half-tuned into the divine. there’s still more to look up and read about, but with so many people in this “community” trying to fix and erase autism as a whole, it’s refreshing to see it framed as a strength. as someone who doesn’t really know what to do unless they’re given specific instructions and expectations, it’s been a whirlwind trying to work with myself and my team and things i don’t necessarily see but trust. i feel like i stumbled into this by accident, but recognize that’s doubt and low self-esteem i’ve been working to raise. i’ve learned to adapt to my needs while maintaining a position of service to others, self-advocate, and letting myself rest to avoid another burnout. i’m proud of my growth and who i am as a person. i’m grateful to be able to do what i do and share it with all of you.
thank you for your patience as i figure all of this out. thank you for reading all of this, for having an open mind, for allowing yourself to see me. i’m in the process of updating the shop, changing prices to be more aligned with my view of accessibility along with new offerings, and creating a schedule for public readings and charity sessions. the monthly patreon group healing for august 31 is still on for those who wish to join. i’ll post about everything as it comes up, but if you’d like to support me in the meantime please consider tipping (venmo/paypal/ca$h) or subscribing to patreon, where i offer monthly reiki sessions for a general group and a separate healing session for survivors of sexual trauma. this is my full-time pursuit and has been for the entirety of 2019, your support means the world to me. if you’d like to be notified of future updates, please subscribe to the newsletter.
thanks again,
m
